Learn How to Say NO!

Saying no can be a source of stress for many people so much so that they build up a fear of being asked anything in case they have to say no or worse they comply reluctantly.

I am a people watcher and one thing I have noticed over the years is the way that people deal with requests and how they say 'no'.

I am always very impressed by people who can say no without causing offense or assuming a guilty position for having to say no. I myself do say 'no' but feel very uncomfortable doing so and over the years I have tried to teach myself how to say no without feeling guilty, without defending myself and most importantly without causing offence so that I and the person making the request remain friends.

These are top tips on how to say No with ease

Less is more, do not defend your decision with a multitude of reasons, as this will always give an impression of 'me thinks thou doest protect too much' and the receiver of your no will wonder what you are hiding, what you haven't said and what the heck your problem is!

Preparation is also key. If you find you can't say no to requests for your time and always feel over burdened and perhaps taken advantage of, then prepare in advance some quick answers to the requests you already know are coming your way.

For example:
They say:
'can you do xyz for me please?'
You reply:
'I would, but I have too much on at the moment, have you thought about asking B?'

If this person persists as they know you are a soft touch and may cave under pressure

You reply:
'I tell you what if you can do this for me...
then list a LOT of chores
I will gladly do this for you'

Only use this though if you are genuinely happy to trade chores. But chances are the asker will NOT be happy to trade. Which brings me to the next point

Ask your self : 'is this person considering me with this request?'

If the answer is 'no', then you have no need to feel guilty at all about saying no. They are not considering you thus you do not need to feel obliged and obligated to consider them.

Example:
'Can I smoke in your car?'
Easy answer
I'd rather you didn't, thank you for asking before lighting up. I appreciate it.'

The person has shown consideration by asking you before they light up BUT if they were truly considerate they would not think it acceptable they make your upholstery smell or pollute your lungs in such a small confined space. When they ask before they light up, they are thinking first of themselves and then being 'polite'. Thus you do not need to feel guilty for considering your needs first and then being 'polite' in your refusal.

Also feel free to ask them to do something for you once in a while! If they feel the requests are going to be two way that may in itself reduce their frequency of requests.

While looking at strategies for being more effective at saying no, what is the psychology behind our reluctance to say no?

I have a theory that it stems from childhood, and that as children when we say no to our parents we are scolded. The result of which is that we grow up with a subconscious aversion to saying the word 'no'. I recommend we are thus very careful how we respond to our children when they refuse our requests. Ask your self how important it is that they fulfill our request and why are they saying no? What we do not want to teach them is that saying 'no' in itself is negative and that as adults all requests have to be accommodated.

Note that people also have a strange respect for people who do say no. Perhaps due to the old adage that 'nothing worth having is obtained easily', or perhaps just that they are unaccustomed to hearing it. But if we continue with my theory above, perhaps when someone tells them 'no' subconsciously we are reminded of our parents and other authority figures who said no to us when we were children. these figures commanded respect and yet were also providers, so perhaps when we hear 'no' we place that person saying it in that 'position' of parent, authority, provider role and thus respect the decision and accept it.

Thus you have nothing to fear by saying no, you may actually benefit from it!

I still have a long way to go myself before I feel completely comfortable with saying no, but I believe that a healthy self esteem, confidence and appreciation of self is an integral part of protecting your own self interests.

This article is not intended to turn us all into selfish, unhelpful people, far from it. It is more for those people pleasers who's life really is swamped by requests from people that recognise their need to please and reluctance to say no and that seemingly 'happy to oblige' attitude. These people show the people pleasers no consideration by overly burdening them with requests. Thus no reason to always feel obliged to comply.

This need to say yes all the time can be a source of stress and anxiety and can even lead to illness. If you know someone who you like to ask a lot of, consider whether they really want to do this for you or whether they just feel uncomfortable saying no. If it is the latter then think of other ways to meet your needs without over burdening them. Perhaps if you express your needs they may offer their help but do not hint at needing it as this is again pressure on them to make the offer.

Good luck with your freedom from being a 'yes' person.